I am missing out on several fun pregnancy things that I was looking forward to, silly things like dressing the bump, getting my belly painted and/or henna'd, maternity pics, and even a baby shower/sprinkle/blessingway. I hate that I can't do these things because gravity is not my friend. I just want a cervix that works. I hate that I feel really let down by certain friends because they've about fallen off the face of the earth for the past 6 weeks. Bed rest really makes a girl realize who is there for her and who isn't (and cue the text messages asking how I'm doing from people I haven't heard from in ages). I hate that I am missing out on events I've been looking forward to since before this baby was conceived. I hate that I feel like I have let people down. At least in reality everyone understands and has been supportive, so I'm really not letting anyone down.
|Sorry Mrs. Gaskin, I respectfully disagree. Pretty sure mine is a lemon.|
My body feels broken and I am not sure I trust it anymore. It's making me apprehensive about labor. It's making me even more apprehensive about breastfeeding. I don't feel very connected to this baby or pregnancy. While I care very much about the growing life inside of me, I certainly don't feel about it the way I felt with E. I'm almost a little grateful that this is the last pregnancy I will have. Almost. Then I get sad again about all of the things I won't get to enjoy.
While this post is some sort of verbal (written?) diarrhea about feeling all the feels, I am trying very hard to keep a positive attitude. I'm so thankful for the friends who've come through in this tough time and have helped me take care of my family when I can't. I'm thankful that I've made it this far. I'm thankful that there seems to be an end in sight. I'm thankful for every kick, punch, roll, and hiccup that grows stronger every day. I'm thankful for having fantastic health insurance. I'm thankful that E is old enough to understand that Mommy has a big ouch and needs to lay down a lot.
I'm looking forward to getting this damn stitch out and going into labor on my own. I'm looking forward to having my baby in water, even though it will be in a hospital setting and not at home. I'm looking forward to breastfeeding again, and all the newborn things (the desperation, the gulps, the sighs, the sleepiness, the warmth, the smell, the love) that come with it. I'm looking forward to getting to know a tiny person and watching him or her develop and learn. A tiny part of me is even looking forward to the newborn stage filled with no sleep, no showers, and no schedule.
There you have it. The roller coaster of emotion that has been my pregnancy. This post has been brought to you by pregnancy hormones and underwritten by 17P progesterone shots.