Eighteen Months

Dear Ethan,

18 months ago you came into the world and turned our lives upside down. You are growing stronger and smarter every day. I love watching you learn how to do things, whether it's crawl, walk, dance, a new word, or a new sign. At this rate you will be smarter than me by age 2!

Minutes old. Photo by Keri Duckett Photography

You've shown me just how selfless I can be. Things that once seemed important to me don't even register on my radar. I'm humbled by how much I've grown since you were born. I'm blown away by the love I felt for you since you took your first breath and it brings me to tears to know my parents felt the same about me at that same moment in their lives.

Thank you for giving me the easy labor you did. You earned me the name Super Birther. Even though you were 3.5 weeks early, I have been waiting for you my whole life. Thank you for not coming out while I was transitioning on the toilet. I'm glad you didn't want to be a toilet baby.

Please don't hate me later in life because I have to go to work every day. Know that I never stop thinking about you and wish I could stay home and play with you all day long. Daddy and I are doing the best we can to give you a great life.

I know that we didn't have the smooth breastfeeding start I imagined us to have. I'm sorry you were hungry and I didn't know any better. I think back to those moments and feel physically ill that I did that to you. I don't think those feelings will ever go away. But our breastfeeding experience really ignited a fire in me. I realized just how much support a new mom needs and I want to be that support for every nursing mother I need. You've given me something to strive for after I thought the drive was gone for good. It will mean that I will be away from you sometimes, but I'm doing it because you showed me how important it was to me.

Thank you for still nursing and not biting me with all your teeth. My favorite part of the day is coming home to you, you saying, “Hi Mama!” and then wanting to nurse. I wish you would sign milk instead of sticking your hand down my shirt. Oh well, I can get over it. I'm happy to keep nursing until you decide you don't want it anymore. I never thought I'd be that mom, but here we are.

Know that I love you regardless of who you marry, what you do with your life, and where you end up. I am your mama and I will be your biggest advocate and champion until my last breath. The last 18 months have been incredible. I don't have any words to describe them. Maybe you'll know if you decide to become a dad. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

All my love always,